On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Home is where your toilet is.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit