Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
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Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
prepare for carbonated trouble
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
TRAIN’S HERE
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet