I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
this is literally a CIA plant
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…