if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me sliding into hell like
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not