women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
“I wouldn’t.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.