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My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Hero horse inspires millions
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints