[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner