Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.