[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.