The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Don’t make me out nice you.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Oh hi lol
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
The Backseat Boys
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.