I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*frowns in Scottish*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
the icebreaker
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
me when I see my crush
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
mood
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
2022 will be better than 2021
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.