There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison