My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
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How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.