Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.