No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My new favorite headline
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison