Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
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Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
oppen heimer style lol
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
dude it’s called proctologist
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.