Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.