The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?