Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit