I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.