safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning