If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
You Might Also Like
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help