I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
that’s really how it is
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Haha good job!!
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous