My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much