There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED