Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
You Might Also Like
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Taking phone security to the next level.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Sharon, call the vet
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir