Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.