Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today