I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.