Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.