You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.