Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.