A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
You Might Also Like
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
adam and eve had first world problems
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
monday
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.