Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.