Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
New comic up. “Ransom”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.