ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?