7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
beware of dog
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Simple
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.