my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break