What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
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When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.