You Might Also Like
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.