Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
You Might Also Like
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
President The Rock Obama
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.