When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
You have been warned.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”