After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.