peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.