My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You Might Also Like
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”