I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
An odd boast
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
How to draw a duck
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.