[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
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What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?