[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?