No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.