“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan